As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
