My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
