Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
