she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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