it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
