I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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