I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
