She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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