You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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