There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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