I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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