I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
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He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
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I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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