There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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