did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
