i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
