i need an iv and a liver transplant
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
