I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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