Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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