She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
