Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
