I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
