I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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