I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
