At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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