there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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