Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
