Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
