Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
