i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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