She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
