His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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