the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
