I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
