you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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