Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
