It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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