yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
