I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
