remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
