after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
