I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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