If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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