Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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