Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
All I want is dick and wine.
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