I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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