If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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