babies were throwing up all over the place
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
