My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
