I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
