girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
