i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My life is pants optional.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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