What did we do last night that was yellow?
operation harelip BJ is a go
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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