now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
