absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
