I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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