They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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