I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Randomize
