I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
