I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
